Helen Chappell - April 2008

Social Notes from
The Oysterback Bugeye
by Louisa “Sister” Gibbs as told to Helen Chappell

   Over in Patamoke, Captain and Mrs. Elmo Rainbird will hold a yard sale on Saturday, weather pending. Leona reports that she is finally able to get rid of all the junk Elmo has brought home from other people’s yard sales since his retirement from Patamoke Seafood.

   Jodi Dachsetter of Jodi’s Fashion Whirl is in New York City this week buying her summer line for the store. While she’s in the big city, Jodi plans to attend a Broadway musical, shop at Bloomingdales, visit the museums and attend a Fifty Cent concert.

   Santimoke County state delegate Orville Orvall was in town this week, eluding a subpoena from a woman in Annapolis, as well as his wife’s attorney. He was spotted at the Curl Up’n’Dye Salon de Beauté in Oysterback, having Doreen touch up his gray roots. Doreen reports he prefers Glacee’s Superman Blue-Black #45, just like Elvis. And is a lousy tipper. Many not from this area have questioned why we continue to elect Orville again and again. It’s because we’d rather have him across the Bridge, than hanging around here bothering the locals.

   Spring training has started for the Blue Crab Tavern Jimmys and the Beer League. Coach Desiree Grinch is actively recruiting new team members, so if you’re man or woman enough to face down hated rivals The Clash Bar Lounge Lizards from Wingo, VA, drop by the Blue Crab (???, Zagat) and talk to Desiree. She’s there almost every day since Professor Shepherd has to finish out his community service hours after that incident last winter with Hudson Swann, Junior Redmond, the fire tower, the fireworks and Faraday Hicks’ goats.

   Hagar Jump, Oysterback Postmaster, announces she will be conducting a spring workshop in folk art yoga. Anyone interested should register at the Patamoke Community Center. Tools will include a number 6 Phillips head, a gallon of Elmer’s glue and some floor tiles.

   Eddie Insley will be directing this spring’s production of “The Women” at Patamoke Community Theatre in the Oblong. He plans to use an all-male cast, so if you’re interested in exercising your acting chops, call Eddie over to the Curl Up’n’Dye during business hours.
Eddie is a man with a vision, and it’s best not to question it too closely.

   Deputy Johnny Ray Insley, while in pursuit of unknown individuals driving a mobilized Port O San duckblind down Red Toad Road, crashed the town police cruiser into the Fellowship Hall of Oysterback Hardshell Methodist Church. The unknown miscreants driving the duck blind escaped into the night, but Junior Redmond and Hudson Swann repaired the damaged siding on the hall just in time for the annual Scrapple and Muskrat dinner, which brought in $567.00 for the Church’s missionary fund. Methodist Women hope to establish an outreach program for the pagans who live in the McMansions in The Run at Pretentious, that new development out by Tubman’s Corners.

   In other Tubman’s Corners news, The Boone Bros. We Fix and Road Kill Cooked Here Garage and Café is having a small mammal sushi All-U-Can-Eat night next Saturday. Be sure to check out the early bird special and the senior discount.

   Omar Hinton reports a shipment of camouflage toothbrushes has arrived and they are in stock for those who just can’t get enough of those swirly earth tone patterns, and you know who you are. We saw that camo necktie you wore to Tiffany Tutweiler’s “Teen Age Girls in the Bible” dance recital over at Devi’s Christian School of Tap and Ballet the other night.

    Faraday Hicks has returned from the hospital and is resting quietly at home. Universally known throughout the West Hundred as the tuba-playing soybean farmer, Faraday was severely distressed when he stood too close to the microwave oven at Obald Blatterwack’s, heating up a cheese sandwich and his pacemaker went up. Happily, half the OVFD was there, so people were fighting over who got to CPR him while the ambulance, containing the other half of the fire department, was on the way.

   Since it’s now mud season, Tonto Shively will be holding his annual Reverse Gear Pickup Race and Mud Bog out in his lower field next Saturday. Anyone with a macho truck, SUV or Hummer and too much time on their hands is welcome to enter. “It’s a guy thing. You wouldn’t get it,” Tonto says.